Everything Changes

Listening to The Music in Me: How Not to Fall Back

2011-11-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

In several conversations during the past week or so, I have been noticing a striking pattern manifesting in the lives of different people at the moment: the battle between the past, present and future. At times, the past can revisit like a gentle breeze, offering whispers of remembrance, but it can also take the shape of a rabid dog whose jaw locks firmly around one’s leg, fiercely attempting to pull one back. The intent is not necessarily to injure, but to hold on, to take away precious life energy from the present to feed itself on what it no longer possesses: you.

One day last week, I woke up suddenly with a thought of certainty that I *had* to give away or sell the keyboard I had stored in my closet at my parents’ house. I hadn’t thought about the keyboard in years. It was tucked away behind some other items and wasn’t particularly in my scope of vision even accidentally. But, my dream was clear: let go. But, I countered in my head, that keyboard meant a lot to me once. I saved up my own money as a teenager for it. I wrote songs on it. I dreamed of being a musician with it. I would sit in the dark on early mornings before anyone knew I was up and with the dawn cracking through the curtains, play songs that said things out loud to only my ears—things that could not take shape in words. It had served its purpose and yet, I had held on to it, hiding it away in case I would need it or want it again. A lot of us do that with things, people and old ideas or beliefs about ourselves or the world. “Let’s just keep that for a rainy day…” But instead of it being an umbrella to protect from some future experience one may not want or a tool to drive out the clouds of loneliness, apathy or boredom, it becomes a metaphorical way of filtering the sun all the time. And, it is exactly that kind of self-imposed distillation of light that prevents one from coming into fullness.

When talking to a friend yesterday, I had a revelation. Upon hearing my tale of the keyboard, she noted something similar, having recently given away her prized art desk to a young artist who is the daughter of someone she knows. As a teenager, my friend wanted to be an artist. Though we didn’t know each other then, I wanted to be a musician, but life had other plans for both of us. It occurred to me that my single desire to pursue music as a child initiated a series of incredible, direct and indirect synchronicities that lead me to living in Brooklyn twenty years later doing something completely different—to a place where I could find the happiness and connection that was what I truly wanted all along anyway. It wasn’t that I was supposed to be a musician—it was that having that dream got me closer to where I could come into my fullness with all of the parts of myself (some of which I am still discovering). The music in me has never stopped, but relentlessly has called to manifest through different gifts than I had the capacity to understand as a child. All talents are simply the paths upon which we are called home to ourselves.

Since this event, I have been going through a few other things from my childhood that I kept stored away at my parents’ that I now realize I have no use for—and never will. Trying to hold on to a past in any capacity—besides being an exercise in futility—is a way of abandoning all of the work one has done to be who one has become. In my experience, it zaps life energy on multiple levels—emotionally and physically. But, instead of admonishing that rabid dog or begging it to let go of me, I’m thanking it for the days it was my pet and simply sending it on its way back to where it belongs. It is out for blood, but it can only stay as long as one allows. I’m resisting the pull to return to being someone I am not, to living a thousand half desires, to consenting to spending any moments of my days with people who want to direct my path for a benefit that is not my own. (Sometimes, those rabid dogs travel in packs.) It’s not that the past was horrible to me—parts of my past were amazing and wonderful—but it is merely that I believe with all of my "believingness" that the present and future are where the gifts unknown are. I don’t cling to certainty as much as I once did. I’m willing to close my eyes and hold on to the string of the balloons that are lifting me towards the horizon where dreams and love and joy and freedom originate to begin with. Whether it is about letting go of possessions or the past itself, the journey I’m witnessing right now in my life and in that of others around me is ultimately one of opportunity and of being true to the best of one’s self.

What Falling Leaves

2011-08-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

There is a subtle shift that occurs every year as we near the end of August and return to the time of harvest, of falling acorns and cooler temperatures. Much in the way that the thought of summer sent a force of elation through my veins as a child, Autumn now holds the same promise for me. I have come to understand transitions all too well and what it feels like to live in a space between the known and the unknown. I struggle to find contentment in the mysteries, especially when they impact my daily life and how I move through the world, but I feel no desire to blame the mysteries themselves for the shape of my life. In fact, what I do not know has come to hone my life as much as the known has.

Two long years ago, my life changed dramatically in the span of thirty minutes. Before, I was generally happy with my life, moving forward with my education and career, though at times overwhelmed with an over-active social life and a greater than usual helping of desire to do everything I could possibly fit into twenty four hours. Having more than one job, putting myself through school, soaking up all the art, music and culture I could find in NYC, traveling the world and ultimately, pushing my body to comply seemed normal to me. The thought of not finding a way to do something I wanted to do (even when that something was everything all at once)-- no matter how impossible or how long it took—was alien to me. It simply would not have occurred to me. Being basically a type-A/over-achiever was not just something I reveled in, it was deeply imprinted in my bloodline. I realized that there were other ways to live a life, but I didn’t realize there was another way for me to live my life. In hindsight, I can entertain the possibility that it would have to take something drastic happening to slow me down. Indeed, there were hints. In Brooklyn, I live on a street that also has a firehouse. Whenever I was dashing off somewhere, the firemen who stood outside would say hello as I whizzed by. One time, one of them yelled after me, “Hey, slow down!” The irony that first responders were telling me to slow down was lost on me. And, so instead of seeing the yellow lights—if there were any, the signal before me unexpectedly changed to red.

I am tempted to say that I would have made other choices that fateful day—I would not have gone to CA, I would not have spent the day in the horrible desert, I would not have walked through the cactus garden, I would not have gone to that restaurant, I would not have ordered what I ordered, I would not have driven passed the first hospital I saw believing I would be fine, I would not have not known I was having a severe allergic reaction, I would not have accepted the medications that were used to save my life even though they played a role in my body fundamentally changing, I would not, I would not, I would not… Had any of those events been different, my entire life might be different right now. But, it is not and it is pointless to play the “if only. . .” game. It is easy to assume that my life would be a whole lot better and easier and everything-er, had I not developed a pretty complex food allergy problem and autonomic nervous system issue that has caused over 20 health care practitioners to utter some version of “I have never met anyone like you.” It was amusing when I used to hear sentiments like that from friends and boyfriends for other reasons (I just assumed that maybe they didn’t get out too much) and it was gratifying when I’ve heard professors say that (“What? No other student has ever contextualized Sherlock Holmes and Immanuel Kant in the same paper? Well, okay, but that was kind an obvious way to go… “) and at times, it was embarrassing when bosses would say that (“How can you possibly teach math so easily when you still can’t figure out how to load paper into the copier correctly?” “Uh, I am better at abstractions than practicalities?” True story.) But, it is a whole other ballgame when people who are supposed to know how to help you with your health are at a loss. And, it might be easy to lapse into being depressed about such a thing, but I never seem to take the easy way in anything and don’t consider that an option—especially, if it’s not going to yield the kind of life I value.

Instead, I again have recreated my life. My scope of the world is smaller than it was two years ago, but my focus is far sharper. I move more slowly, but the trade-off is that I see a lot more along the way and let others see it with me. Facing down life and death having a tussle about you in the same moment is a potent antidote to being afraid of any beautiful or not-so-beautiful parts of yourself. I don’t wonder about my purpose, I don’t have many lingering doubts about my worthiness or my ability to bring love and beauty and joy and passion into the world through me, though remember with compassion what it was like when I did wonder. What I have gained for all I have lost has been clarity, hope, and an awareness of grace—we’re all in the midst of the unknown in some capacity or other. It is a bit like waking up in the middle of the night disoriented and not knowing where the lamp is—but sensing that there is a sliver of streetlight chasing its way through the curtains at the foot of your bed and instead deciding to turn your gaze towards that.

This not to suggest that I don’t feel levels of discontent given my present circumstance or that I do endeavor with all of the resources afforded me to change it, but it is to state clearly that I have discovered something powerful and potent about the human experience—it is possible to hold within more than one conflicting thought or emotion and to choose which one one wishes to focus upon, even if more than one is present. There are moments when I catch myself saying or thinking, “I want my life back,” but I know deep down there is no going back—only going on and eventually, maybe coming full circle. Like the seasons transition from Spring into Summer or Summer into Autumn, I am the same and yet have been changed by what has come just before. There is only going forward from this point, from this season, from this week, from this day, from this hour, from this moment. My task then becomes not to fight the seasons, but to move through them with as much honesty, gratitude, love, humor and passion as I can—knowing that this time in my life, too, will change.

Provenance of Heart

2011-01-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

Cloaked in the cover of night, the amber street light illuminated my path as I dashed home through the darkness mere hours before the dawn would break. Fearless and fast, my steps were filled with the kind of lightness that only joy could bring. On any given day, I would wear several different masks that shaped the hours of my day by allowing the different sides of me to emerge more authentically than ever before. Mornings would find me teaching English and Math to adults. The afternoons were filled with writing until it was time for yoga. And, the evenings and late nights would find me with both my camera and my heart in my hands at some of NYC's lower east side's best music venues surrounded by two of the things that have made life worth living: music and friends. After a lifetime of hardcore searching, I had found them: my people. The creative minds, the underdogs, the artists, the people who fought relentlessly not merely to walk down a path, but to create one, those who created not because they just wanted to, but because they were wholeheartedly driven to.

The spiritual nourishment I receive from being around artistic creations of all kinds extends beyond what words can convey, but I know that I am not alone. The subtle peace found circulating in the air in a museum or gallery, the euphoric energy of a live concert or the intellectual stimulation of seeing a play all offers a kind of energetic exchange. We are recharged not only by the experience that pleases our senses, but by the knowledge that direct channels to the most authentic parts of us as human beings exist. And, if we choose to be open to it, standing before a child's latest messy fingerpainted piece of tattered construction paper is no less magical than gazing at the Mona Lisa. Though vastly different, both come from similar places within the human heart-- the need to create and express are seeds that ripen and bloom differently for all of us depending on our innate talents, our destinies, our choices and on how we have been socialized.

There is a term used in the art world to explain the place of origin for a work of art: provenance. I believe that if we chase the trail of breadcrumbs back-- or forward-- far enough, the provenance for the works of art that we are leads back to a singular place. We come from a source that is endlessly abundant in all we can imagine and galaxies beyond that. Science has made many wonderful advances, but it is still playing catch up in many ways and a part of life is beautiful because it is mysterious, not despite it. Perhaps, though, understanding the source of art is the same as appreciating that art comes through us from a greater source.

After my life dramatically and instantly changed (yet again...) a year and a half ago and much of the relative normalcy that I had established for myself had disappeared, what remained without question was the clarity and life-sustaining desire to share my art and words with the world. It took leaving my life-- almost completely and not metaphorically-- for me to come into myself and to embrace my path as an artist fully. I am fairly certain that I did not choose this path as an artist for myself initially-- it was one that I was born into this life with, but I absolutely choose it now. And, that kind of surrender is a little like the bliss of catching the gaze of a stranger across the room and discovering that he/she is your beloved. Every time I am writing or capturing an image with my camera, I feel life pulsing through me and gliding out into the world, continuing on its way to reach wherever it is meant to travel. As artists-- and as human beings-- we don't get to hold on to the love that seeks to shine through us, but merely to honor its presence for as long as that ultimate guest is willing to stay. And, in spite of continuing, rather enormous challenges that have moved into my life, I view my work each day as merely to be the best hostess to the powers of creation that I can be. And, to dance with the force that is the provenance of both the art and heart of us all.

Why You Should Support Independent Artists

2010-12-03T17:02:00.000-08:00

Now that the holiday season is in full swing, we all are being bombarded with one word: "Sale!" It began with the kick-off on Black Friday with plentiful deals trying to convince people-- sometimes, strangely successfully-- that they need to get up at 3AM, haul themselves down to the local mall or store and camp outside in the cold in order to buy things that they probably don't need anyway (wants and needs are very different things). To be clear, I am not against capitalism or even commercialism, but I do believe that as a society we would be far better off if we questioned our purchases more regularly. Do I need this? Do I truly want this? Can I afford this? Will I want this in a month from now? A year from now? Does this align with my values from an enviromental and human rights standpoint (a lot of things sold in the US are made in countries with questionable positions on these topics)? Does this item add beauty and joy to my home and my life?

With these thoughts in mind, while you are looking for that special gift for that hard-to-buy-for special someone in your life, I invite you to choose somemthing different this year: support local and independent artists. Everything from handmade jewelry to music by indie musicians (of all genres) to prints of photography can be found online and at local craft fairs. Choosing the path of an artist (or often more accurately, being chosen for) is not an indulgence or an easy endeavor. It forces artists to encounter uncertainty on a daily basis, to come face to face with all of the things that other people can effectively push away. For many artists, confronting the bigger questions in life is necessary in order to go farther and create new works. We are asked to see beauty that others miss and report back to the world to remind us all how fortunate we are. We are asked to bring forth something that did not exist previously and without which, the world is a little poorer. And, at our best, as creative beings, we are all asked to appreciate what is around us and to find new ways to love over and over again. This is not merely the task of the artist, but the most basic work of being human. The artist merely reminds us through his or her creations that this is what we are here to do.

Has a painting or photograph ever taken your breath away? Has a song reminded you of a particularly joyful event or been with you when you needed to cry? Have you ever worn something that was hand-made and felt your perception of yourself and how you look go up a notch (and not even because of the compliments you received)? Has a book moved you so deeply that you found yourself reading a specific sentence over and over again? If so, none of these instances were accidents. They added something to your life because someone else-- someone that you may never have met or will meet-- had the courage and perseverence to heed a deep inner calling and to tune out the voices both from within and from the world that said that what they have to offer was not valid or worthy and to still offer it not just to you, but to everyone. This is no small feat. But, it is a vital one.

This holiday season, I encourage and invite you to put your money where your heart is. Find items (or even ideas-- giving to a charity that resonates with you in the name of someone special is always an excellent gift) that support the things you want to increase in the world. Somehow, armed with the knowledge that the top 5% of the population owns more than 50% of the wealth in the US, I tend to believe that maybe we don't need to increase the prosperity of multinational corporations with every purchase we make. This isn't to say they don't have a place in our economy, they do. However, there is also much to be said for supporting the little guy or gal, as well. (*However, if you do happen to be in the 5% of the earners in the US and you're reading my blog, can I just say that, my, you're looking lovely today? Have you lost weight? That's a beautiful... uh, wait, where was I? Oh yes...) So, when doing your holiday shopping, consider what you are really buying and what you are really wanting to give.

If you happen to be looking for art to give and want to inspire someone you love with beauty they can see year-round (while thinking of you), please consider checking out my prints for sale: http://www.shootlikeagirlphotography.com/ There are a plethora of NYC/Brooklyn images, as well as nature and flowers and photos taken all around the world, including in a Slovenian castle and along a canal in Venice. Notecards will be available soon!

Lastly, my wish for you is that instead of thinking of the word "sale" when thinking of the holidays, you will remember the meaning behind the season and will be bombarded with the word that describes what we are truly celebrating: LOVE!

Tribute

2010-10-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

As I heard my mother's voice say the words, it felt like a bad dream continuing. I was still asleep, but must have instinctively known that something was amiss because before I was fully awake, I said, "What? What happened?" It was then that she said, "Pop died." No matter how much one prepares intellectually for the day when a love one will pass away, no efforts suffice to dull the pain in the heart when that day actually arrives.

I never thought that a 92 year old man would be one of my best friends, but during the last three years of his life that is exactly what my grandfather came to be. He was in excellent health until he was 89 years old when he fell. When my parents, grandmother and I went to visit him in the rehab home where he was staying temporarily, he was having a difficult day. Towards the end of our visit, he started to tear up, but was visibly suppressing it. My grandmother, aware of the mentality in which he was raised where men don't cry-- or at least not in front of anyone-- promptly said to us, "C'mon, let's go and let him be for now." As I walked out, something drew me back. Outside, I asked my parents and grandmother to wait for me. "I have to go back. I can't leave him right now," I said. I walked back down the long hallway to his room and sat down beside his bed. I told him that I understood that he was upset about losing his mobility and that I knew how hard it was to have a body that doesn't always cooperate. And then, I sat with him while he cried. There was nothing else I needed to say or do in that moment and nothing else that could have been more gentle and powerful. Sometimes, the gift of presence is enough.

From that day on, I began calling Pop every day. It began as a way for me to cheer him up and break up his day--- even after he healed enough to return home. No matter what I was doing, I found a way to call him at a specific time of day. Even when I was teaching in the evenings, I would tell the students that we needed to take a five minute break. They would see me take my phone and walk out of the room and one once inquired who I was calling. I told her and then, they began asking how he was doing-- cheering him on in his recovery and wishing him well from afar. There was no one else I would have thought of calling during those classes and the thought not to call him never occurred to me. Other times, I would call him when I was running to yoga class, on my way to my own classes after I returned to school as a student myself, when I was doing laundry, walking on the Promenade in Brooklyn neighborhood or en route to shoot a concert. It became one of my favorite parts of the day, a little ritual that was very grounding in the midst of my busy New York City life. A year and a half after the calls began, the tables turned. Faced with my own serious health crisis, Pop became my cheerleader, talking to me to wish me a better day.

By all accounts, I am a mutt that has come from purebreds. From each branch of my Irish, German and Polish heritage, I have gained specific traits and gifts through which I feel the whisperings of my ancestors edging me on with a single directive: "Live, Love." My grandfather's parents came from Poland. His mother immigrated as a seventeen year old orphan-- alone. While she was on the boat coming to the US, someone tried to steal her single valuable possession: her family's silver. Instead of letting a thief get it, she tossed it overboard saying that "if she couldn't have it, no one could." In addition to her spunk, her possessed a fierce love of and loyalty to her family-- something that she instilled deeply in her children.

Married to my grandmother for over 67 years, Pop was extremely devoted to his family and to maintaining the rituals that brought family together. I have spent every Christmas Eve since I was born in the same place: my grandparents' home. And, as death brings with it the flood of memories, I remember with aching fondness so many of the little moments, the tiny private things that happen within a family and through individuals that create a distinctness, a unique definition of "home."

My last memory of seeing my grandfather was just recently, a few days before he died. After a brief hospital stay three weeks ago, he was moved to a rehab home where it was thought that he would recover enough to return to the home he shared with my grandmother. As my parents and I were leaving after visiting him, my father told him to look out his window and we would wave from the car as we were driving away. I saw his figure watching from the illuminated window, waving as we waved back before driving into the darkness. And, it was he who stayed in the light.

The Stories of All of Us

2010-08-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

From the time of the Epic of Gilgamesh, the oldest known written story on Earth for those of you who slept through high school English classes, the art of story-telling has been a pivotal element in how we humans have wrestled with the eternal questions. Though the details of lives have changed through generations and by geography, the same basic questions seem to remain throughout all cultures and times. Concepts of love, loss, faith, purpose, health, family and belonging echo throughout the ages. And, though Abraham Maslow would diagree (he was the dude who theorized about the heirarchy of needs), these are as vital as tending to our physical needs.

I was reading an article recently from Scientific American that was truly was fascinating. The gist of it was that there was evidence found in caves in South Africa that indicate that humans whose cognitive abilities more or less mirrored our own existed about 164,000 years ago. The kicker is that, due to climate changes, most of humanity had gotten wiped out and that the human race as we know it likely are descendants of only six hundred individuals who hung out in these caves. Six hundred people changed the fate of history and facilitated us continuing as a species. I'm pretty sure I know six hundred people and if the fate of humankind were totally in their hands, I might be a little worried.

And yet, while these people lived very different lives from our own and would stand in awe of cars, computers and iPods, they gazed at the same sky. It's not a leap for me to imagine that after they sought sources of nourishment and shelter, they looked for means of connection and ways of communication. Somewhere along the way, art and the oral traditions began to emerge and be passed down. I believe that there is something inherently rooted in our biology at this point that knows the value of creating, of sharing what we know, of what we question and of what we dream.

Our stories are us. But, we are not merely our stories. Like most people, I could tell a thousand tales of amazing, beautiful, heart-breaking moments from my own life, but the totality would fall short from even beginning to adequately define me-- or you. Every individual interaction shapes and reframes our stories and when we are at our best, offer inspiration, comfort, joy and hope-- and remembrance to each other. Knowing what it felt like to walk along the Seine on a cold Autumn day, gazing at the Left Bank doesn't make me able to touch the greatness of those who went before--- like Picasso, Rimbaud or Matisse, but being there reminded me of my own unknown potential that always begins with stepping onto the path that calls to you-- the one that won't let go. Knowing what it's like to run down the side of a mountain in Colorado as a nine year old with my father and brother leaping somewhere between the dusty, brown earth and the wide open sky didn't just give me a taste of freedom, it gave a permanent remembrance of it, one that echoes in my cells just through recalling the story. Knowing what it was like to be tossed around in the Atlantic off of the coast of North Carolina during hurricane season didn't just offer proof of Mother Nature's power, it left me with a sense of tangible awe of my own vulnerability long before I would learn that during the years of the "stillness." Knowing what it was like to hike down the Grand Canyon on a hot July day didn't just give me a taste of true thirst, the knowledge that those donkeys probably do come in handy and the insight that the middle of summer may not be the best time to go hiking in AZ, it offered the sweet reminder that what goes down, must also come back up. Standing in the Sistine Chapel, before the Mona Lisa, in Freud's waiting room, in the bedroom where Mozart slept or high above Piazza San Marco didn't just leave me with photographs and postcards, but deep inner souvenirs that left me richer in wisdom, humility and grace-- and the knowledge that it is not up to us to decide the effects our work will have. It is simply up to us to do it whole-heartedly.

Our adventures, struggles, and triumphs bring us the ingredients for our stories and while it is doubtful that the eternal questions ever will be answered definitively, it is up to each generation to ask them and to live as if it were possible to wonder and to know. By sharing the tales of our quests, we discover fire for the second time-- over and over again.

The Journey of an Artist

2010-08-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

I remember everything about that day. It began as I woke up believing that I would enjoy the beginning of my working vacation in CA. It ended with having come back from the edge of death. The day was a swirling mix of the desert, the photo shoot, the food, the allergic reaction, the ER, the other side, the promise and the return. I've told the story before (see my note "After...shock" for the full story) and a year later, I have a different story I need to tell right now. It's not the one of how a life-altering experience happened. It is not the one that stole my health and has held it captive for the past 365 days. The story that pulses through my veins is deeper than tragedy and loss. It about honoring a promise, holding up my end of the bargain and seeing my entire life as a work of art.

I have heard people say that on one's deathbed, it won't be work that he/she thinks of, it will be the people he/she loves. In my experience though, aside from a thought of my mother, I wasn't thinking of my loved ones. I felt content with my relationships, always having given a lot of attention to nurturing my connections with the people in my world. As my vital signs were slipping and I was fully aware of what was happening, one of the key elements that kept me connected to this planet and to life itself was the overwhelming thought that I could not die without having my work-- my art-- in the world in more concrete, organized ways than I had done up until that point. The conviction that arose in those horrible moments has been what has sustained me during the past year and in very real ways, gave me new life. It wasn't simply the decision to create no matter what, it was to value my work differently.

Like many artists, I often battled insecurities and their opposite during my journey as an artist. Because my talents in writing and photography both came to light initially during times when I needed them more than breath, there was never a question of whether I would do them or not. I wanted so badly, so completely, to create, to find beauty in the world, to tell stories both with words and visually that often, I took any gig that was offered to me and worked for free. I didn't care that I was giving it away. At times, I joyfully worked three jobs to support my drug of choice: creating. I had endless conversations with a friend about my own worth, about the burden of coming from a family where the arts are hobbies and not professions and how stifling that was for me, especially since I knew very early in my life where my talents manifested. It didn't matter that I was a straight A student all the way through school. I wanted to create worlds and sanctuaries with words and images. I wanted to be surrounded by music, not merely occasionally, but all the time.

Finding my skills as a music journalist and photographer was like witnessing the heavens open. It was what guided me to move to Brooklyn where I felt like I fell in love with a whole city all at once. Seven years and a thousand beautiful and challenging adventures later, I still feel that way. Even during those first months in my empty apartment when I spent time staring at equally empty four walls, I knew that I had found a city of my people. At last.

When I faced down death a year ago-- and not for the first time, something shifted in my body and spirit. I returned with an unwavering committment to owning my talents, to being willing to stand behind them and to stand up for them. I don't work for free anymore. I realized how precious my time and energy and abilities are and how imperative exchange is.

I used to get asked a lot by people (if I offered, this doesn't apply to you) to shoot their shows. It would usually go something like this, "Hey girl! I really love your shots. I'm playing at __________ (insert Lower East Side venue of your choice) on _________ (probably Thursday if you're thought of as a particularly hip band). You can come and take picutres!" Note the lack of a question there. I began to wonder if these people would go to a restaurant and say the same thing to the chef/owner. "Hey! I'm going to come in on Thursday (uh, unless it's the day of the show). You can give me free food, even though I am sure you spent years learning your craft and a lot of money buying equipment and supplies." However, I take full responsibility for the times I actually showed up and let my desire to shoot overpower my good business sense. I guess for a long time, I didn't really have much of that. I spent hours honing my creative skills and not on finding ways to embrace the journey as an artist in its totality. I only wish I didn't have to almost die to grasp this lesson and its importance so completely.

But, the beauty of my tragedy is that the slate was washed clean that day. Suddenly, I no longer felt insecure about my calling as an artist. I felt whole because of it-- it has been the one part of me that has remained. My life as I knew it vanished in an instant, my health left me, the things that I depended on for security disappeared and what stayed shining like a beacon in the night was my desire to create, to add love and beauty to the world, to tell stories, to capture scenes that reflect how amazing life is and how amazing we are. All of us. Everyone and everything has a story and I take great pleasure in climbing inside and revealing those precious gems to the world. It is also why I share my own stories, why I am honest about my journey and why I am now, at last, so willing to own every little part of my life. And, so while I long to be back shooting a show in the middle of the night in a hot, sweaty venue surrounded by my people, whether I know them personally or not, for now, I find ways to create anyway. Anyway. And, that is really a defining word for me. If you love something and if you're lucky, something will happen that erases doubt and plunges you headfirst into immersing yourself in life so deeply there is nothing else but everything. Instead of seeing all that I lack, I feel profoundly grateful for the opportunity and challenge to see all that I have. There are endless ways to see the world and to be in the world. Regardless of circumstances, the question that I live is a daily answering of this: how do I want to move through the day? I just happen to answer it through my camera and through my pen and the result is that the art I'm creating is not merely coming into being through my articles, essays and images, but through the fullness and completeness of life itself.

Self-portrait, 08.09.10

The Anniversary

2010-07-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

Today is the sixth anniversary of one of the days my life ended and began again. I think of July 23rd as a kind of "birthday." Instead of retelling the story from scratch again, I will allow my words from last year to tell the story. I do so not only as a day of remembrance for myself, but as a silent observance for all women who have experienced violence.

Five years ago today, I stepped off of the subway in Brooklyn and much like today, dove into the city streets through the pouring rain of a gray, steamy day. It always rains on July 23rd in New York City. A half an hour later, my mother picked up the phone in Pennsylvania and received the phone call that every parent dreads. “Your daughter was attacked, but she’s alive…”

Still living outside of Philadelphia, I was excited to be returning to NYC for the following week to cat sit once again for a friend. The energy of the city had enchanted me and my love affair with it was still fresh, new and untainted. As I walked down the empty tree-lined street to my friend’s building, the lyrics to a song by singe/songwriter Charlotte Martin prophetically echoed in my head. “Every time it rains, I know it’s good to be alive / Every time it rains, I know I am trying to survive.”

As I approached the building and began to enter through the double glass doors, a stranger in a bright red t-shirt, who I would later rename “the Monster,” dashed up behind me and nodded to me as if to ask me to hold the door open so that he too could escape the crying sky. I did and that single decision set in motion an almost immediate series of events that forever, irrevocably changed my life.

It was a little after four in the afternoon as he and I quietly stood next to each other and waited for the elevator in the lobby. I glanced over at him, clearly seeing his face—a face soon never to be forgotten—and had no clue, no inkling at all, of the danger he possessed. As we both got on the elevator, I pressed the button for the floor of my friend’s apartment and he pressed the button for somewhere he did not really want to go. As the doors closed, he swiftly moved behind me, grabbed me from behind and with his thick, muscular arm, began to choke me. Stunned, I immediately did everything I could to free myself from his grasp, but to no avail. I tried to bite him; I tried to free my arms that were pinned to my body. I tried to kick him in the groin, but his baggy pants prevented my attempts. I tried to plunge my keys into his flesh, but he knocked them out of my hand. I tried to poke my fingers into his eyes, recalling every possible self defense tip I had ever heard. I grabbed at his head where the feel of his short hair and the curve of his ear became forever etched under my fingertips. With every move, he had a counter-move ready. Almost.

Like a horrific dance he had clearly choreographed before either in practice or in his mind, he pulled us both to the ground. Fortunately, I was still wearing my back-pack and in hindsight, was grateful that I had never adhered to the axiom of “packing light.” I landed on my back, like an upside down ladybug. With strength, flexibility and calmness being the gifts of a regular yoga practice and with no choice, I mentally moved past years of the kind of socialization that teaches that women in our culture not to hurt others no matter what and kicked him in the face repeatedly. He was not expecting the bottom of my sneaker to forcefully hit his nose almost as much as I was never expecting to have to kick someone in the face while he was attacking me. The close confines of the elevator heightened the intensity of those endless moments of the slow, hellish ride.

Angered that I had kicked him, he stood up and began to unbutton his pants. Realizing what he was planning next, I tried to comfort myself with the thought that whatever he did, I had to find a way to survive this. Just survive, I told myself over and over again. But, the burst of adrenaline that came from almost being raped turned my veins inside out and I fought harder and harder. As the elevator approached yet another floor with no one on the other side of the slowly opening and closing doors, my heart sank a little farther. I realized that it was going to be up to me only to get myself out of this. Or, I wouldn’t get out of it alive. I had a sudden flash of my mother finding my dead body in the elevator and had another jolt of energy to fight. I later learned that she was calling me at the very time the attack was happening.

The Monster then grabbed my throat with one strong hand and began to strangle me, while the other hand repeatedly punched my face. I had never been hit in the face by a man before and I found it as emotionally shocking as it was physically. Instead of resisting, my head flowed in the direction of every punch. Beginning to lose consciousness from not breathing and from being hit in the head so many times, I flailed my arms and legs as much as I could. The decisive moment was nearing. At the instant I was almost no longer able to fight, I glanced up at the ceiling of the elevator and thought how profoundly ugly it was and how I hoped it was not the last thing I saw. Miraculously, as the lights I saw were fading into darkness, I hit my hand against the elevator and touched one button without looking: the emergency buzzer. The noise startled him and he could not continue to punch me and strangle me at the same time, so he let go of my throat. I had thought of what I might say to him if I had the chance and uttered: “take my money, take my money…” The elevator doors were reaching another floor as he looked at me and appeared puzzled by my statement as if he had not thought of it before, grabbed my purse and dashed out of the elevator.

I wanted to run after him. I really liked that purse. But, my attempts were futile as I tried to pick myself up off the ground and was surprised to find that I could only crawl into the hallway, a bloody weak mess whose heart was beating out of her chest. But, alive. Still alive. I yelled in a loud whisper, the most sound I was capable of, “he tried to kill me, he tried to kill me.” A blond woman holding her young son who lived on the floor came to my rescue, the angelic antidote to the Monster.

The next several hours were a dizzying mix of a paramedics, police, doctors, x-rays, counseling, looking at mugshots and a journey home to Pennsylvania when my parents came to get me. The next six weeks left me feeling both fragile and invincible. As the physical bruises and scars healed, the emotional wounds were just coming to light. I had a victim’s services counselor who affirmed repeatedly that it was okay to felt bad about what happened, but after weeks of that, I wanted to know how to feel good again, how to even feel human again and how to trust. But, that process would take years.

Like many who experience trauma, I felt like I was on the other side of glass separated from the world by a wall that I could not get through. Over the next year, I grieved the innocence lost and wondered if the parts of who I was would resurrect themselves. They did not, but I grew anew. With descending into numbness the first year after it happened, I found all sorts of methods of self-destruction and people all too willing to participate. I so desperately wanted to feel something, anything other than what I was experiencing. This was only exacerbated by the event that pushed my soul into a new tailspin right when I was finding equilibrium. In December 2004, I saw the Monster again in the same neighborhood and more hauntingly, he saw me. In one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, I decided to cover up the instant recognition and smile at him as I walked by. But, he still got away again and a subsequent police stake out yielded only his evasion.

It wasn’t until the February of the following year when I ran away to Seattle at the invitation of a friend who knew by the sound of my voice after speaking only one word when I answered the phone that I began the healing process. In addition to having intensely spiritual experiences in a city that was as far away from NYC as I could find quickly, I crossed paths with an amazing therapist/life coach/doctor whose work with me transformed everything. It was the beginning of a long healing process that would reveal more about myself than I probably cared to know, but was a journey that had such a sense of delicious forward motion that I could not resist

While I question if I will ever be able to feel completely carefree again or to live with total abandon, I have gained infinitely precious gifts from the journey ignited by the attack. For as resilient as life is, it can disappear just as quickly and knowing this, my focus has become clearer. I am aware of my days and nights and how I spend them. I can no longer muster sincere interest in surface connections with people and revel in the dance of discovering people. I was surprised to find my photography talents right underneath my need to find beauty in the world once again after feeling ugliness around my throat. Every challenge leaves us with something to use to grow.

As I often have done on these anniversaries, I walked by the building where it happened this afternoon. This time, I walked up to the front door to see if my friend who I had lost touch with and the woman who rescued me still lived there. As I stood sheltered momentarily from the rain, a man came from within the building and nodded for me to hold the door for him to exit. I did, but only this time it was much like I now live—from the inside out.

The Journey

2010-06-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

The journey of life itself travels through the winding mountains that ascend ever higher, through the lush valleys ripe with the fruits of hope and over fierce, stormy seas and in my experience, is rarely more personal than when one is seeking health. It is the most intimate kind of returning--a journey back to something familiar and yet, new and almost always through unchartered territory. A physician or practitioner may be able to direct one to modalities that have helped others to heal, but ultimately the task of healing can only be performed by the person himself or herself. Sometimes, it requires effort and specific change. Other times, it requires active surrender and stepping out of one's own way. The path to the light is only as direct as the willingness to dive into--and through-- the shadow.

It happened without warning. For all of the ways I had strived to be self-aware and in tune with my body, mind and spirit, life has managed to stay a step ahead and keep me surprised by my own life. A year ago at this time, I believed that if I just ate well, did enough yoga, surrounded myself with good people, followed my passion, and attended to my well-being with vigilence and freedom, I would be fine. I had yet to learn how fully and deeply grace plays a role in being and staying healthy. It is a concept that I didn't think much about in terms of my health. Health was something to be gained through effort, a battle to be won, a reward to be achieved, rather than what I now see it as: a blessing to be embraced, a teacher to be learned from and ultimately, a gift that allows the freedom to move through the world as you wish. Interestingly, illness can bear many of these same fruits. Even while longing for the sun, I have been finding ways to discover the silver linings in the dark clouds of illness.

On the path to healing, I have been fortunate to have crossed paths in recent months with three practitioners who are gifted in their crafts. All are intelligent, knowledgeable and strikingly kind, but there is something more that each possesses: energetic integrity. After appointments my inner resources to mobilize healing within have been recharged, my desire to live my highest purpose, to bring forth love and beauty into the world is strengthened and I am reminded that true healing is so much more vast than what we often believe it to be. By being in the presence of such gifted healers, I am able to call forth my own powers of healing and I am left not merely wanting to be healthy, but accepting of the moment as it is, open to change for the better and hungry to be an even stronger conduit of love in the world.

When I was thirteen, my eighth grade teacher assigned our first term paper. I chose a topic that had not yet even been included in books very much. I vividly remember going to my local library and browsing through the card catalog and coming up empty. My fervent search for information about psychoneuroimmunology only yielded a handful of magazine articles. It was a field that was just emerging and I'm not sure why I chose it, as it was months before my journey into "the stillness," the years of illness had begun. But, the connection between the mind, body and spirit has always captured my attention.

Even as a child, I was aware of my spirit, aware that there was more to life than just the physical. Sensitive to animals and the rhythms of nature and the emotions of others, I moved through the world distinctly engaged in a rich inner life and at times, a puzzling external one. Years later, a level of "exquisite sensitivity," as my doctor called it, remains with me and has manifested in different physical ways that make being in the world quite challenging at times. But, on the way home from an appointment this past week, I began to wonder if this level of reacting to the physical world on a physical level could have offered gifts that I may not have received otherwise. As the highway rapidly passed before me, I noticed the green trees off to the side. And, what I saw was not just the edge of a forest, but about ten different shades of lush green, each different from the next. The colors of the leaves varied from the grass and the small plants and it all was vividly vibrant to me.

When I'm photographing flowers in nature, the hues are bold and inviting. I'm drawn to colors, shapes, images and to the way light falls upon a scene and for a moment, changes it. And, in these moments, much like when I am writing, I am reminded that medicine comes in many forms and from many sources.

Courage

2010-06-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the concept of courage a lot in recent days. Last week, another medical-related experience required me to dig deep into my well-spring of courage, gather it up and inhale its breath into me. I embarked upon a test that could either yield helpful knowledge or push me into another potentially dangerous situation. In the end, all went pretty smoothly, but the echo of travelling down those long halls within-- the ones with a thousand doors I don't enter, remains with me. Life consistently brings new opportunities not to test the existence of one's strength, but to remind of its constant presence.

In recent months, there have been times with the distance between my life and my health seemed so infinite that I wondered if it were even possible to traverse it. But, often our most worthy travels begin without the knowledge of how or if we will reach our destination and with only the willingness to take one step forward at a time-- just one step and then, the next and the next. For the first time in a long time, I have allowed-- and needed-- other people to help me. Only being cast into utter vulnerability would allow me to receive what I now realize are huge gifts.

When I was three years old, my preschool teacher sent a note home to my parents stating that they didn't know what to do with me (if only they had known they were merely at the start of a very long line of people who would feel that way...). Apparently, instead of doing whatever I was supposed to be doing, I would go around teaching and mothering the other children. It seemed like a better use of my time than doing something stupid like taking a nap. Even when I was sick as a teenager, I devoted my time to helping other people, to running support groups for people with chronic illnesses, to teaching people what I had learned about how to heal. With the exception of the help of my mother, whose ability to give selflessly is infinitely greater than anyone I have ever known, I haven't always allowed others to help me as much as I have needed.

But when I got very sick very unexpectedly at the end of last summer, I suddenly needed more help than before. And, my friends stepped up to the plate without missing a beat. Some who lived close to me did things like go to the grocery store for me when I was unable or have helped me with my home in other ways, like getting my mail when I haven't been there. Those who lived far offered to help me find information about my condition, to find doctors, to connect me with others who have experienced similiar ailments. Many people offered their good thoughts and prayers. Some have been my ever-present cheerleaders. Others consistently have reminded that out of sight isn't always out of mind, a huge gift to me that has allowed me to feel connected to a home and group of friends I haven't seen in person in over six too long months.

During a particularly dark time at the end of January before I had been given a concrete diagnosis that made sense, a friend sent me one word, literally: courage. On a single piece of paper was written the word-- beautifully. It had been passed on to her and then, was passed on to me. I look forward to the day when I can pass it along to whomever I cross paths with who will need it more than I do at the time, but for now I keep it close at hand and remember that true courage is not only knowing how to be strong and to endure, sometimes, it is allowing others to be strong for you.

Making Space

2010-05-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

It was a question that first began hounding my consciousness during an English class last year. The class was beautifully intense and more lovely than words could describe. I wanted to be in the kind of learning environment that made me feel like my head was going to explore from the sheer weight of my own thoughts blending with what we were learning and my wish was fulfilled. At last. So, as the semester progressed, I realized yet again something that I had learned from my own writing endeavors over the years: that the Muses come when they wish. I knew they were a particular lot, only appearing at the party when they wanted to-- and usually fashionably late at that.

Lightning doesn't usually strike twice, but I was fortunate to take another English class this Spring that built on the foundation of last year's inspiration. The reading selections were some of the most engaging I've had and the weekly writing assignments tempted the Muses to reveal their new talents. But, about five weeks into the semester, the Muses performed their parlor trick: a disappearing act. I had a dialogue with my professor about how to entice the Muses to show up to the dance not just on occasion, but every single time. I've always possessed the kind of personality that lends itself to home runs or nothing at all. I would rather hit my target or just hang out in the grass meandering around, exploring what's around me. My professor offered wise insight-- that is may be impossible to create from that deep space of inspiration every single time, but it is our task to create the space, to create the kind of life that the Muses want to visit. Since then, in every way possible I have been seeking to make my spirit, my body, my home, my life the kind of space where inspiration wants to be. I've always thought that as creative beings we are vessels anyway. It is never really fully just about us-- that's narcissism. True creation is taking part of the world, some energy from somewhere else, allowing it to blend with you whether through intellect or emotion and letting it flow forward through you through the expression of choice-- art, writing, music, dance. . .

My life has had a plentiful dose of irony for a long time, but it's interesting to me that while my health has been at a particularly stubbornly low point, my creative drive and willingness to bring my talents forth into the world has never been stronger. Perhaps, I just got close enough to the point where I had lost so much-- my life as I knew it, my health, my financial stability-- that I no longer had anything to lose by doing what I came here to do.

I don't know if the Muses will forever honor my request of their presence in my life, but I know that I've set the table and I'm keeping a light on inside for them. And if there's a heaven, I'm pretty sure it has a lot of books and maybe even an English class or two.

That Was Then... The Best Is Yet To Be

2010-05-28T19:43:00.000-07:00

Last year, I spent Memorial Day in the small trattoria near the train station in Venezia, the very same place where I had a meal on Thanksgiving Day in 2007. The trip was filled with so much joy, it spilled forth from me freely (as evidenced by the photos taken there). My mind easily drifts back and forth between the days past and those to come. I struggle to remind myself to come back into the present moment, to be strong through this, to be weak, to be whatever I am right here and now because in the end, this, this, this moment is all I have. The journey through unexpected serious illness is charting the unknown where every step is now one carefully placed. I miss running through the night with others who felt the same creative drive and passion I did. I miss seeing the dawn through sleepy eyes, happy for a million and ten reasons and none at all. I miss having too much to do and not enough time. I miss being a sweaty, relaxed, hot mess after yoga, running home, turning around like Clark Kent and putting on my metaphorical Superwoman cape, grabbing my camera and being at a concert to shoot my little heart out an hour or two later. But, for as deeply as I immersed myself in the life I created, it disappeared just as quickly. And for now, my journey is different yet again-- and nothing that I expected.

I had another epiphany the other day. No matter whether I am sick or well, rich or poor, my task in this life is to create and add beauty and love to the world. For a long time, I felt that my ability to do so was held by the leash of conditions. I was shy about having something to say, quiet about the fullness of my abilities. Being smart as a kid, too smart for those around me to handle, left me lonely and restless, forever waiting to find my "people." I knew they had to be out there somewhere. Now, I seem to find those I connect with easily. I just wasn't ready for it before I started finding them.

I catch myself saying "I want my life back." But, with each passing sunset, I know there is really no going "back." I will never be able to reclaim or redo these months. I don't get to fix or amend what has been or relive the days as I wish they had been. But, I do get to carry the inner gifts this intense challenge has provided forward into my future, into my art, into my life. There is a kind of beauty in surrender when it is without giving up.

So, when my mind drifts to what has been, I know that was then and this is now. And, just as I think that sentence is complete, a tiny, determined voice from my heart says, "But, wait, the best is yet to be." Yes, the best, the very best is yet to be.

Letters To Eva

2010-05-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

I met my best friend by accident. One afternoon on the way home from school, my mom, my brother and I stopped at a local drugstore to drop off photos to be developed. Still wearing our school uniforms, the lady behind the counter recognized my brown jumper and mentioned that her daughter had just begun attending the same school. A single mother, she needed someone to pick up her daughter on the upcoming half days we would be having and called my mom later that evening to ask if she could help.

It was 1989 and in a Philadelphia suburb that had the feel of a small town, the world was still a place safe enough for kids to play outside on their own, go trick or treating and actually eat their sweet spoils and for a mother to call a stranger and ask for help. It was through that initial connection that Leese and I became fast friends. While many of the classmates I had grown up with had either left to attend other schools or who turned into the most temporarily evil of creatures-- insecure, preteen girl, I was left to my own devices. The boys didn't know what to make of me because I was the first in the class to "develop." The girls didn't like me because I was smart, far too shy for my own good and not superficial enough to fit into cliques. I cared more about writing, wandering around in nature, listening to music and daydreaming of my future than owning a pair of Tretorn sneakers or the latest Swatch watch. But Leese was different. Creative, witty and kind--she had three of the qualities I still value most in a friend.

Over twenty years later, Leese and I have saved each other a thousand times over, despite our very different life paths. She's been married for over a decade, has two of the most well-behaved, exquisite children I've ever met and with her husband, runs a family business in the suburbs. I moved to New York City to chase my own destiny of words, music, images and adventure. Distance has never been much of an issue. Our friendship easily stretched to conform to our lives-- the opposite of what happens to many relationships in life.

Last summer, Leese, her husband and kids came to NYC for the day to visit. It was a magical time for all of us. Seeing the kids discover the city was a joy. Walking down the street with seven-year old Eva's hand in mine was one of the most special moments of my summer.

A few months ago, I sent Eva a fluffy pink scarf that I had. It just reminded me of her and when I can, I like to give gifts for no reason. From this, Eva and I ended up becoming "pen pals." When I recently sent her a birthday present for her 8th birthday, she wouldn't let her mother read my letter to her. And, when she was in the office with her mother a few days later, she promptly told her mother that she wanted to "write to Aunt Lauren." Leese provided her with a piece of paper and an envelope and Eva wrote me a beautifully composted letter that could rival some I've gotten from adults. Our correspondence has continued and it's become part of Eva's secret-garden-world, the kind of world I believe that every little girl needs-- where a trusted adult who is not a member of the immediate family shows them their worth, their beauty and unconditional love. Having a strong role model, having a role model of kindness for any child of that age can be life-changing. I remember as a kid receiving letters from my grandmother's good friend. She didn't have a grand-daughter and so I filled that void. For me, she offered not only the joy of receiving mail that made me feel cared about, but she gave me the beginnings of my vocation and avocation: writing.

With the stresses of adulthood entering childhood earlier and earlier, it seems vital to fill up children as much as possible with all of the tools to navigate it, including an unshakable sense of self. While Eva's letters make me smile, I know that there is something more significant about the connection and as I watch her grow from afar, I can only hope that she will be as lucky as I have been with finding friends who add so very much to her life.

The Art of Thin Ice

2010-05-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

I'm always writing in my mind and soul even if my fingers aren't bonding with my computer-- the one with the keys that have partially faded letters from having been touched so many times-- sometimes joyously, sometimes painfully, but always by necessity. I did not choose to be a writer as much as it chose me, but I am slowly learning the art of choosing the gifts one has been given.

For nine months and thirteen days, my life has been a source of great anguish, hope, frustration and well, the visible unknown. Without the foundation of good health, every surface is slippery, unweildy and fragile. Every step reminds me of the time my childhood best friend and I decided to try walking on a frozen creek in the middle of winter. She fell through the ice; I did not. I merely covered for her when she stealthily entered her home in order to change out of her wet, freezing clothes before her mother found out what had happened. We were ten years old. It remains a mystery why some of us fall through the metaphorical ice and some can skate beautifully on top of it. I've never been able to be much of a skater in that respect, but I would like to learn.

Perhaps because my life has been so atypical in for all of my adult life and much of my childhood, I never acquired a habit of comparing myself to others. While there have been times in the heat of a moment, I have wanted to have a certain quality or ability of someone else, in the grand scheme of things, I've always felt that everyone gets his or her own path. Apples and oranges. That's just how it works.

I have spent so many moments trying to trace back my footsteps, my trail of breadcrumbs, to figure out where things went so very wrong. I don't have very many regrets at all in my life, but I still carry the weight of profound regret for going on the trip to California last August. I wish with all my pointless might that I had never gone to the desert, never eaten that meal at that restaurant, never been over-medicated (though necessarily though), never ended up with a life that feels like it is no longer within me, but circling around somewhere in the ether while I plead for it to return to me, to merge back within my body. I dream of things that I have done and remember long-forgotten memories as they arise in my mind, in that state between sleep and wakefulness. For an instant, they are real and I am aware that all that separates us is time.

I miss the music and my friends most of all, but I carry both within me and in some ways, now that so many illusions that come simply from being immersed in a life have been driven away, there is a purity that remains and it feels strong. I feel the love of the people in my world who care about me. And, for the first time in a long time, I don't care about trying to acquire the love of those who don't freely offer it. This feels like one of the greatest lessons-- the art of letting go of what is not.

And so, while I am not able to indulge in so many of the things I would like to right now and my body feels so very fragile and like I could fall through that ice at any moment, instead of being in the sea, I'm alternating between floating on my back and fighting every wave. Sometimes, the art of swimming is not just in the way you move water with each stroke, but how you allow water to move you. Right now, I'm learning how to swim through life all over again and seeking the warmth that comes only from knowing that while you can't always stay off of thin ice, you can climb out from under it and have a friend watch your back while you get dry clothes.

Renew and Rejoice

2010-05-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

Marathons are usually twenty-six miles long, but the one that recently has consumed my life is best measured by time than distance. If the past 365 days were a race for the survival of age 33, I just crossed an imaginary finish line as today, May 18th, is my 34th birthday.

Last year, my birthday week was ushered in during the midst of a beautiful whirlwind of activity: the end of a semester at school, shooting my friends' concerts, staying out until the streets welcomed the kind of golden silence that only happens in NYC at 3AM, celebrating my birthday with friends where I play platonic cupid and shoot arrows at will so that the amazing people I know can know each other and packing for my upcoming trip to Italy. My energy level, my vitality and the expansiveness I felt when I thought about my possibilities were seldom greater. Life, it seemed, had finally let me find it on my own terms.

Waking up in Venezia a few days later with the breeze dancing through the window that was slightly ajar and kissing my feet while church bells and Italian voices echoed in the distance was a taste of heaven. Visiting my brother and his family in his adopted home of Slovenia and seeing what a smart, beautiful child my niece is was a joy. Meeting with one of my friends from my early days in NYC while in Vienna and then, going to the former homes of Mozart and Freud all in one afternoon felt like life was as it should be. Trying to find a vegetarian meal in Munich was its own special adventure until I stumbled upon an amazing small restaurant where the chef was willing to cater to anything I needed. I have a special fondness for being in foreign countries where I do not speak the language. I like expanding my mind, my understanding of the world and frankly, for beating the odds. And, in so many ways, being able to travel to Europe for a second time was, in fact, proof that one can overcome much and still find a way to live and love life.

I did not know during that trip that I was about to get another opportunity to overcome obstacles, gigantic ones at that. As many are aware, my life drastically changed in a single instant yet again in August of 2009. After spending a day in the desert in southern CA (the creepy, horrible desert), I ate dinner at a Thai restaurant. Almost immediately after finishing the meal, things began to feel very wrong and half an hour later, I was in an ER in a small hospital in the middle of nowhere. In that room, I faced down death and again said, "No, not yet." The conviction that I had not finished my work was overwhelming and that, coupled with the look in the doctor's eyes, was enough to draw me back to the land of the living. But, in those moments, in addition to my soul changing, my body did as well.

Exactly what transpired that changed the internal landscape of my flesh remains a mystery. But, most of my doctors now agree that I was given doses of life-saving medications that were too great for my already-sensitive body. While I thought that I had escaped from the chains of Lyme disease that had held me for much of my life, the effects of carrying such chains do not release easily. And so, during my experience of a life-threatening allergic reaction, a new disorder emerged: dysautonomia. I will spare sharing the details at length, but the autonomic nervous system controls all of the things we don't think about, like heartrate, for example. Usually, the two parts, the sympathetic and parasympathetic, work together in harmony and one goes about his or her day none the wiser. But, when something goes wrong with it, you begin to have encounters with doctors like I've had in which they sit and stare at you like a deer caught in headlights when you ask how to get well from such a thing.

It has been nine months now and peace has been elusive and no longer is a companion to my being. Ironically, I've had to make peace with living without it. There has not been one single day in which I have not felt like my time here might very well be far shorter than I thought. I know the feeling of death in tangible ways and my body reminds me of echoes of that-- physically-- daily. So, to welcome another birthday is not just a chance to have cake that I probably couldn't safely eat anyway, but it is a triumph.

When I was a few years more naive, around my birthday I would choose a word to practice living for the next year. Words like bravery, strength or last year's-- equanimity-- would color how I chose to move through the world. I did not realize how key cultivating equanimity would be when I selected that word last year. I just thought it sounded cool.

Now, on my 34th birthday, it is time to choose a new word and I am torn. Health is the first that comes to mind, but others rival it. Grace. Hope. Patience. These seem even more crucial to my life. It is excruciating to live without health, to be locked into a body that does not do as it should or as you wish. And, it would be inaccurate to say that I do not feel terribly imprisoned by what my life has become or to say that I do not grieve for that which I have lost. But, it seems a worse fate to live without hope. Or, to face something like this without an element of patience, content-- even if only a tiny bit-- in the knowledge that everything changes. I have endeavored to face this challenge with grace. I don't believe that I have always been able to maintain this, especially when I am being separated from so much of what I love or when I edge closer to greater and greater losses, like that of my home. But, I remind myself that this is just a moment in time. A tiny, little moment in all of a great, big, majestic universe.

So, I seek the gifts at my feet-- they are ever present. I do not pretend to know if there are reasons for experiences, though I like to think there are and try live as if there are if purely for experience's sake, but I am trying to let my life be enriched by whatever comes. A year ago, I only knew of starvation in abstract terms, but now due to my severe food allergies, I know what hunger, deep hunger feels like in my own body. I understand what many people in our world suffer on a daily basis, but in different ways. One can't help but be changed when suffering is no longer abstract, but tangible.

On the brighter side, if there was one thing I have done right in my life, it is in selecting my friends. There has been such an outpouring of love and support from so many people during the past nine months that my gratitude feels inadequate when measured against it. And, I would be remiss not to mention that the strength of my parents aids me every day.

As I begin the journey of age 34, I stand before it with a simple truth: each day is the unknown. I don't know what this next year or even this next hour might bring. But, I make a single promise to you, to me and to the world. Whether I possess health or not, I will offer the best of what I have to give: my love, my words and the beauty I see all around us. Living this vow is my own little celebration of the life I have and so my words to live this year, come what may, are: renew and rejoice.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”—Oliver Wendell Holmes